Yet Untitled 109 - On Prayers Not Being Answered
Yet Untitled 109 - On Prayers Not Being Answered
A converging narrative of two believers
Dearest Yet Untitler,
Today I revisit a topic that YU touches upon now and then.
One of my daughters has been really praying for something to come true. It’s very touching to see her go at it every day, voicing her heartfelt wish to the universe for the thing that her young heart desires so sincerely. Her steady, hopeful voice propels her in the direction of her prayer’s fulfilment every day and it’s so moving that it’s become my recurring prayer that her prayer comes true.
But I’ll admit that I’m grappling with a question: What if her prayer doesn’t come true?
It’s strange. Over time, I’ve learned to deal with my prayers falling short, but when it comes to my children, I cannot bear to think of a negative outcome because I fear that it’ll colour the way they think about prayer forever.
I dealt with something similar in this here ol’ instalment:
This brings me to the juice.
Across time, people have prayed and many - everyone - have experienced their prayers not come true at some point. But people have also gone on praying without abandoning the concept of prayer despite its apparent fallibility. Why? This is the intrigue that draws me to the present instalment.
Sometimes I question what I suspect are the polemics of the mind - the mind that is able to shift meaning on its mind-feet; eg. “the real prayer wasn’t actually A, it was B, hence…”. I wonder - should I be wary of these polemics? Is it a ruse that’s thin and will not sustain? Despite the suspicion, I’ve kept praying for myself and others, whatever the outcome. Again - why?
What I can tell you is that my ongoing relationship with prayer has not a story that ends with a prayer coming true or not; it’s been a narrative. What could that narrative be about but one concerning Belief; a belief that’s deepened despite the narrative involving both victory and defeat.
I’m curious of what this narrative’s been like for you. Maybe take a moment after reading the rest of this instalment and leave me a comment
The converging narrative of two believers
Perhaps humanity can be segregated into the two denominations of believers and non-believers; and going by this distinction - I pretty obviously fall into the realm of the believers.
Addressing the question of Belief - in principles governing life and the world that lie beyond the ken of the senses - I find, as a 44-year-old adult - that my 10 year old and I are starting from two opposite ends of the spectrum. She’s really begun from the pure place of already accepting prayer as a functioning principal, while I have been slowly building back towards that acceptance by facing my doubts one by one.
Building back…😊
I remember being where my girl is now. I remember early memories of feeling cheated by my prayers. I remember the long period I spent outside the realm of belief, a period that felt dark because suddenly I felt like I no longer understood something that perhaps I was born with an understanding of. But I couldn’t have got out of the dark alone.
There are many who have held my hand on my journey of faith. You know who you are. Even if I was born a believer, so many of you have given me the confidence to recognise myself as one.
Likely, I will have to be that someone to my daughter in the coming…days? Months? Years?
Oh my darling one…
…it pains me to think that you may be about feel that sense of anchorlessness I came to know well but found my way out of. I want to put myself down as a human stepping stone for your feet to land on right now as you walk forward with your bright, effervescent prayer leading you on.
Can I? Should I? I’m unsure.
Perhaps all I can do is make your time of your sincere, childhood prayer as memorable for you as possible, so that you remember it as a happy and useful part of your life. Is it not the least I can do, considering how you have showed me what belief felt like before the inherent confusions of our world came flooding in to made it obscure?
You and I are both each others’ lighthouses.
Perhaps one day you’ll ask me to cast some light and reveal your belief to you again. Let me prepare for that day and be as ready for you as I can.
My prayer for you - my family - shall never, ever cease.
Thanks for listening!
See you next week
V
PS.
Do dip into YU 003, which is this instalment’s doppelgänger. There’s a great quote by actor/playwright/author/screenwriter/director Sam Shepard towards the end of it which really makes a case for seeing prayer as a narrative.
