Yet Untitled 069 - Papa is the tooth fairy
Helping my family weather disbelief
Dearest Yet Untitler,
It had to happen.
A few days ago, Ananya and Aahana discovered that the mysterious hand slipping coins, crayons and comics under their pillow in exchange for their milk teeth was…me!
There was hell to pay. Vani and I were called liars and had to endure an explosive afternoon nursing two little aching hearts trying to recalibrate to a world without the tooth fairy in it.
There’s a parable I’ve already recounted in YU 012 - about faith and how it exists in children.
“When the whole village met to pray for rain; only the child brought an umbrella.”
The pang of angst I felt at being discovered as the tooth fairy came from the memory of my passage between belief and disbelief. Reflecting on this, I realized that in my 20s, I had to work hard to weather disbelief. There was a time when, like the Nihilists in The Big Lebowski, disenchanted by some of the more deterministic elements of the cultural traditions I inherited, I believed in nothing. I remember it being a hard, dark and lonely time.
So, clearly there’s a lot at stake here! Did Vani and I screw up as parents by plunging A and A in disbelief too early? Or too late?
Vani and I been really clumsy tooth fairies. She and I have arrived home half-drunk from a party at 3 am realizing that we’ve been shitty, substandard tooth fairies who should be fired for not delivering.We have fumbled and scrambled our way through A and A’s incisors, canines and molars, with many late-night, last-second home deliveries from stationary shops, envelope making and soft footing into their dark bedroom. Somehow…we always managed somehow. I’ve even replied to A and A’s notes to the tooth fairy in “fairy handwriting” and enjoyed myself in the process. The problem is that over the years, we’ve grown sloppy and A and A have grown more intelligent. The fairy was marked for death 💀 long ago.
I am imminently aware that overall, Belief is marked for death in our world. Disbelief feels easier and inevitable. As a parent I wanted to protect Ananya from it.
But…
…come to think of it, because my own sans-belief times were dark - I searched hard. They made me embark on various explorations and pilgrimages looking and seeking, which was - I must admit - a rich time. Even in the dead ends, where I didn’t find what I was looking for, there are fond memories. There were conversations with monks, a photo tour of the four big religious shrines of Mumbai, time spent in libraries dedicated to eminent thinkers, a research trip to the Theosophical Society base in Chennai and in Ojai, California….
Then, one day, in the course of this exploration, I encountered magic as an adult again. It was on the road, when I witnessed a road accident. That very morning, I had asked myself some pertinent questions about my own relationship with faith - whether it was important in my life or not. In the asking, I had questioned why I was pursuing my inquiry of faith so doggedly - and the answer I arrived at was this: I wanted to be more Brave.
A woman in a red sari had collided with a motorcycle. I was nearby - I, the one who always cowered from such situations and usually walked away. That morning, I didn’t. I walked to the woman and helped her to a cab and sent her home. Just before she left, we looked at each other and smiled, no, laughed - even though she was disoriented and bleeding. We both knew it was going to be ok.
I had asked the universe a question. The universe had answered: “all courage you need is there for the taking”. The clue it had given me that I was likely to find it in helping my fellow human beings. It all felt correct and I felt aligned. I felt that something unseen been at work in what I can only describe as a mystic experience.
Ananya and Aahana’s eyes were unforgiving. I had to respond to their very pertinent Question. Here are some of the things I said:
Ananya and Aahana - I believe in the tooth fairy because I believe in prayer I’m not lying to you because I’ve prayed for my brother when he was in hospital and he’s told me that he felt my prayers so I’m not lying to you when I say I believe in magic which is the unseen but ultimately magic too happens through people I mean do you know everything about the world already? There’s so much both you and I don’t know and can’t see and maybe Santa Clause is not a fat man in a red suit living on the north pole with pet flying reindeer but perhaps he was a fat man who lived in a cold place and did so many kind things for kids that they speak about him across centuries you both know legends right, they were all people to begin with.
You get what I’m saying, right?
Even as I was saying all this, I knew it likely all sounded suspect to A and A. Ananya kept crying. Aahana looked really upset. I racked my brains for what I should do next. I thought about them, the world they would inherit. I thought about magic. Just as I had needed magic, belief and a handle on various ‘things unseen’ to get through my future, they would also need them to get through theirs. I would never want to rob them of this. But had I done this already?
The next morning, I found this under my pillow:
😊😊😊
Drop me a line if any of this resonates.
Lots of love
V
Beautiful. I want to be brave too. And I find courage in witnessing the struggles of others, my own. It is a growing faith. Perhaps just showing up in life.
Handled well ,
A A will wait for the Next one Now 🌺