Yet Untitled 093 - Am I Hungry Enough?
Thoughts on action, ambition and late blooming
Dearest Yet Untitler,
It’s been nearly 20 years since I came to Mumbai to become a filmmaker. It’s only in the last few years that I’ve had ‘success’ or undeniable, recognisable career milestones. From where I stand (inside my own mind and body) it’s difficult to see my trajectory as anything but organic. Sure, sometimes things moved slowly but sometimes they also moved really fast. Still, each progression, to my eyes, seems to have followed naturally from its preceding step.
However, I’m aware that things may not have been perceived in the same way by others who’ve been watching from the outside.
In a recent conversation, my brother seemed to suggested that “had I been hungrier”, developments may have happened quicker in my career. After making this big statement, he did offer up some repair utterances to the effect that ‘we all are products of our circumstances’ and that what he was saying wasn’t a judgment.
I must say, it’s a real provocation, this question, and I really appreciate that my brother made me think about it in the way I did. Had he not uttered it to me, I may not have bounced it around in my head so many times and came up with a different, interesting answer every time.
This week, I thought I’d reproduce this little personal, internal interrogation for you. It was revealing and it was entertaining.
Am I hungry enough?
I am. But I’m also immensely patient.
Am I hungry enough?
I’m am. I’m ravenous. But for certain types of food. And I’ve got to stay alive till I get that food, so I’ll eat whatever I can, and that shit’ll propel me towards the food I want.
Am I hungry enough?
I’m hungry enough to have picked myself up a hundred times to keep making my way towards that big ol’ diner.
Am I hungry enough?
I’ve been hungry for 20 years. But the things I found tasty 20 years ago don’t seem so palatable anymore. I’m still hungry, but I’ve deferred eating once in awhile, because my tastes have changed and I’m careful about what I put in my body.
Am I hungry enough?
In boarding school, we used to starve.
My friends Angad, Anuj and I (also known as the three Musketeers ) used to draw up schedules and lists of everything we would eat once we got home for the holidays.
The lists used to sound something like this - 8am: two toasts with butter and cheese. Cold coffee. 10am: Omelette cooked in butter with cheese, bacon and fried bread. 12pm: Lemonade and coke. 1:30pm: Crispy bhindi, dry potatoes, yellow daal, parathas. Apple crumble for dessert. 4:30pm: Toast with nutella. 7pm: Chocolate milkshake. 8:30pm: Baked vegetables, cutlets and toast. Gulab Jamun with Vanilla ice cream.
Once we were home, we’d stick to our crazy, gastronomic schedule regourously for one day and feel satiated, unable to look at food in the same way thereafter .
I think hunger itself is a ruse, changeable, a means to an end. Hunger was a yearning for change in disguise, homesickness in a visceral form.
I’m thankful that I knew hunger in this way. I know hunger and its disguises well. But it also made me yearn for home and make sure I got through every remaining term day that stood between me and returning.
Am I hungry enough?
Before I run, eat a quantity of boiled sweet potato. I keep eating little bites of things while running so I can keep going. I eat, I run slow. Following this approach, I’ve run the longest distances I’ve ever run.
In the earlier days, I used to load up on a lot of spaghetti before running. That didn’t work as well.
Hunger is a signal. I’ve learned to read it. The better I read it, the better I feed it, the more it serves me.
Am I hungry enough?
In the Netflix documentary Live to a 100: Secrets of the Blue Zones, I learned that in Okinawa they eat say the words “hara hachi bu” before eating, which literally translates to “Eight out of 10” - or - stop eating when your stomach is 80% full. I listen to the Okinawans. A lot of them live to a 100.
Satiation is the enemy. I believe the Okinawans when they uphold staying a little less filled (unfulfilled?) as a healthy forward driver towards longevity - I think both physically and figuratively.
I’ve tried an experiment with lunches and writing. I’m a daytime writer. A full stomach costs me an afternoon of writing. A full stomach signals satiation to the mind and body. A partly empty stomach signals that there’s work to be done.
Thus spake the Marcus Aurelius in me.
Am I hungry enough?
Long ago I read a graphic novel called ‘Late Bloomer’ by Carol Tyler and totally identified with it.
I love the idea of blooming late in life. Coming to the banquet late, I feel that when I finally have the food I really want from life in front of me, I’ll have the table manners to eat it without making mess or making a fool of myself.
Am I hungry enough?
I am. And so are others. There’s enough food in the world for everyone. We must share it. I like eating with others.
Am I hungry enough?
I feel that bundled into this question is an implication that a life driven by hunger is more likely to ‘succeed’. I think there’s some sense in this. Hunger is the galloping horse inside your belly that wants to take you places. It would be unwise to deny this engine.
While definitely not someone driven solely by hunger, I have delved vicariously into the minds of those who are - by writing about them in scripts and stories. I find it interesting that many of these characters I explored through writing were criminals!
In Buddhism - the world of hungry spirits is one of ten possible life states - only one out of 10! But, it’s undeniable. Life cannot exist without any one of the ten missing. However, according to Buddhism, Hunger - or ‘the world of Hungry Spirits’ has its place amid the spectrum of life, and falls at the lower end of the spectrum. It’s base, but I don’t think that means that it’s lowly and worth disregarding. It’s primordial. But I don’t think it wise to live by cultivating it - hunger - alone. Without cultivating the other parts of life (read about them here) perhaps Hunger may run loose and become destructive.
Am I hungry enough?
I once met a shopkeeper in bandra who was drinking hot water with cinnamon powder. I asked him why he was doing that? He said that it killed his hunger.
I find that fear kills my hunger - sentences like “No, that’ll be too difficult,” running through my head. Sometimes, forward motion is not for want of being hungry. It’s for the want of courage!
I’ve written more about courage here.
Then, is the solution making your hunger bigger than your fear?
I don’t think so. I think that’s a recipe for recklessness.
I’ll stop here, dearest YUers.
Do you have thoughts on the place of Hunger in your life? Have you had crazy, cerebral conversations with yourself such as this one and learned something interesting?
Tell me! I want to know!
Also,
And,
The world of hunger used to be my dominant life state. I'm not sure what is now. Probably still hunger but with a lot more Buddhahood in it!
Very interesting piece. Have often asked myself similar questions....