Dearest Yet Untitler,
Everything is perfect, but it isn’t.
This one’s for those of you who’ve felt this before. Perhaps some of you are feeling it now: holiday season has begun, and it’s meant to be this perfect time with life dialed down. No holiday ends up being the End of Cares, but I have experienced some vacations where I’ve readily lifted my hands from my tools, saying - “filed, it is ok for you to lie fallow”. I have known thinking this, and I have watched my breathing ease, with that nice holiday feeling filling my lungs; where when I exhale, my breath shoves everything bad out of my body.
This time, that feeling is taking longer to kick in, despite the conditions for it being ideal on paper. Old work has concluded. New work is on the horizon but nothing has gained momentum enough to really pull me in. It’s like being between places - like on an airplane - where it’s not just ok but necessary not to make phone calls, send emails and engage with the world. But…
…I feel like a crocodile is gnawing off my arm :)
Not quite 🙏🏼😊. But, something is gnawing at me for sure. I spent some time thinking about it from within the positive environs of my Buddhist prayers this morning. Surprisingly, Ol’ Leonard popped up, looked me in the eye and said a few things he wanted me to hear properly. Knowing him to be a man who also turned to Buddhism when he wanted answers, I listened seriously. He looked me in the eye and said what I hear him say often:
There is a crack, a Crack, in Everything.
I repeat myself; veteran YU-ers will know. Leonard Cohen has been one of the most oft quoted apostles in this newsletter. But I think he’s worth mentioning here because one of his most famous utterances spoke so directly to my conundrum.
I have arrived on my holiday with a lot of Expectations
…and they are standing between me and my well-earned relaxation. Have any of you felt this before? Do tell me about it. Please do. I miss hearing from you. See the comment button below as an unsubtle though gentle complaint that relays my feelings about not hearing from you enough!
Speaking of complaints. I have a feeling that I’m not enjoying myself because I’m complaining, mostly about everyday things -
That my work emails haven’t stopped.
That my children are not behaving as I want them to.
That I’m not getting enough solitude.
That I’m not getting time to do other things outside my usual routines.
There’s this feeling that kicks in at some point on a holiday where it feels like a gong had been sounded and a “memory” has formed. I find that if I’m not hearing that gong sound, then I feel I should be getting some serious relaxation. I expect a vacation to be ‘active’ or not active at all. As with all expectations, inflexibility creates friction. For some reason I’m less flexible with my expectations this time.
I’m entering the first days of my vacation, and it feels like all I’m seeing is the cracks. It’s put me a bad, sulky mood (remember this instalment 😂). Ironically, just some months ago Vani was in a similar situation while we were on vacation - feeling that nothing she was experiencing has met the picture she’d created in her mind - and there I was pontificating to her about seeing the bright side. I think of that memory now, feeling more empathy for Vani than I had demonstrated then. Just like me, she believed that she deserved a better reward from life. Similarly, my daughters have repeatedly expressing their disdain for the vacation not going how they expected it to.
Is this…normal? Or are we one dissatisfied family that needs to take a serious look around them and reconsider their general response to life?
Deserving
I find this word to be at the heart of many if not most of my disagreements, a vocal loop continuing inside my head telling me things like I deserve better; or this isn’t what I deserve. Holidays are no exception - I’ve told myself so many times that I deserve a vacation. The stakes stack up pretty high, like jenga. And like a jenga tower, the whole things collapses pretty easily too.
I believe the metaphor of Jenga is used effectively to convey total societal collapse in the feature film “Leave the world Behind” that recently dropped on Netflix.
Anyhow, I remember a vacation Vani and I took years ago. We were driving to a mall on a Saturday, and suddenly we decided to drive out of town. We took no luggage, no toothbrushes. The mere possibility of turning a routine, oft-repeated sojourn to the mall into a night out where we hadn’t planned where we would be sleeping was DOPE. We ended up staying a this boutique hotel out in the hills where nobody ever gets reservations, and they give us not just toothbrushes, but their own jackets to wear. I know that neither Vani nor I would ever forget this one.
Zero expectations on that trip meant that things could only get better, and they didn’t just get better, they began on a high and then stayed there.
Now, it can’t be helped that I entered this vacation with high expectations. I cannot switch them off, no more than I can turn off my farts when they want to emerge.
But I can and I must try to be more at ease
I remember what ol’ Leonard says about the cracks and letting the light in. I also remember a Buddhist saying that Complaint takes away the benefit of Prayer. This last guidance really motivates me to work harder to be happy. It makes me work harder to counter Complaint in my life.
Various perfect things inside this cracked vacation
Dearest Yet Untitler, I made a list - a list that is as much for me as it is for you.
Photography
Photography remains a treasure of my life. The solitude I’m missing, I find within photography. Things go silent when I shoot. Instead of complaining, I should shoot more.
Things that have worked out that are simply not at the front of my mind
I’d be lying if I didn’t admit it, but some really great things have happened in the past few days. I’ve just been too preoccupied with what’s happening right in front of me to really feed off them.
For one, I almost lost my camera! I left it behind at an opticians’ and drove away, only to realize 2 hours later that I had left it behind. Fortunately, the protective forces of the universe were hard at work, and the lovely, honest optician returned it to me with nothing missing. Phew!
Why is this? What has pushed that good stuff out of the realms of my attention and let other things take its place? I can’t put my finger on why. It’s too late. I’m too sleepy.
But these good things are there. There’s empirical evidence that they exist. I write this down to assert the realness of the good stuff.
Take that, ingratitude. In yo’ face, inattention.
I have my health back
I’m not coughing. And that’s a great thing.
Many of you were concerned for my health after reading my post from a few weeks ago. I have circled round from that phlegmy place back to health. A couple of days ago, I ran longer and stronger than I have in a long time, that too on the beach! The evening clouds were out there, fluffy wisps whispering to me - enjoy the view and quit cribbing, ya bum!
I write YU to locate myself, because I get lost sometimes in the quickness of my life. I’m used to life moving fast. Dialing down can be, understandably, disorienting.
But, at the end of this instalment, I conclude that I’m ok. Thankfully, there are more vacation days. I wish me a happy stabilization, and you - simply - happiness.
Lots of love, thanks for listening.
V
PS. I’m not upset, but I can still hear the crickets chirping after YU Experimenta 001 😱🤣.
I’m totally OK with it if the idea didn’t land. But I would love to hear from you if it created any strong feelings in you that you missed expressing. Give me a hint if you can. The feedback helps keep this missive relevant.
Wishing you all a very happy 2024, my friends! Do give yourselves a break while taking a break. I may not have been so successful while doing it, but I hope you all report resounding restfulness and rejuvenation on your respective holidays.
Lots of love once again!
Thinking of you Vasant Chacha!
I’m visiting London & Oxford, exploring parks & museums largely alone. The first few days felt uncomfortable, lonely and selfish (for abandoning all “work”).
But I stuck to the one expectation I had - taking myself out on artist dates & choosing mystery > mastery.
My feet are sore like never before but I’ve gotten the precious chance to walk into the lives of so many lovely cousins, friends, and kind strangers. It’s been energizing and exhausting, all at once.
And while this holiday has been an escape from my normal life, its ironically revealed more of myself to me than my normal life ever could.
As Sookrit told me once, things are almost always bound to get worse before they get better.
I now know that can be true for holidays too! :)