Yet Untitled 039 - Style
Something I never thought I’d write about
Dearest Yet Untitler
This Diwali, my nephew Rivaan paid me a compliment while playing this wonderful game called ‘Dia-log’. It’s a card game aimed at starting meaningful conversations. I drew a card with the question - “What is the one thing you don’t know about yourself that others might be able to see?”
“Everyone has to answer for everyone” Rivaan commanded. This made me nervous. The boy has a sharp eye and is still growing a filter.
Then came the compliment of the century. He told me that I may not know it, but I have a sense of style. Coming from a really fashionable guy like him, it’s really something. I took it seriously.
I’ll admit. I’ve been thinking about what Rivaan said ever since. I been thinking: what is my style? Do I have one? I’ve never actively thought about it. Even though my wife Vani is an extremely stylish person, I never thought of style as something that simply rubs off.
Still, if Rivaan said so, perhaps it’s true.
To give you the lowdown, at one time my style was completely borrowed. Having two brothers ten years older meant that for a time almost none of the clothes I wore were my own. Not that I complained - I liked those threads, but perhaps I should have complained. Even the suit I wore at my engagement was a few sizes too big, because it was originally made for my brother!
For my wedding I was fussed over and measured up. Over a very short time thereafter, I found myself with a better-fitting wardrobe with life suddenly asking me to leave my hand-me-down days behind. Still, I didn’t know fully how to proceed from here.
A turning point was when my mother-in-law asked me to choose a watch she wanted to give me as a wedding present. About this I was very clear - I asked for an Omega Speedmaster - the first watch that was worn on my moon by the crew of Apollo 11. The watch itself is an elegant stainless steel chronograph, but I was drawn more to what it stood for. I realise in retrospect that with that choice I expressed something fundamental about myself - the story was important.
While the first impulse to choose the Speedmaster was the story of achievement and conquering frontiers - in retrospect I know that I also made the choice because of how well the Speedmaster fulfilled is function, remembering how Tom Hanks and his crew used it to perform precision manoeuvres in Apollo 13 that saved their lives.
So, I got to know that story and functionality played a very important role in my style choices
A long time ago, when I was as old as my children are now, someone had asked my why I had worn a jumper that was way too big for me. I replied:
“Comfort before style”
The person who I said this to met me two decades later and quoted what I said back to me. Apparently, my from-the-mouth-of-babes honesty had made an impression on her 😁.
I admit, for a long time I chose comfort as my prime consideration for what to wear. But this changed slowly. In retrospect, when I look back - my dialogue with style ran parallel to my dialogue with myself.
It was a dialogue about identity.
My most visible dialogue with identity has been via hair. The first time I grew it in my early 20s, was…a form of rebellion, I guess; some sort of non-conformism. It wasn’t thought through - mostly done with the Edmund Hillary “because it’s there” kind of sentiment.
In my 40s, now, though - it’s another thing. I’ve grown my hair again and I’ve been thinking about it.
At one level, I could tell you that I’ve grown my hair and tied it in a bun because it’s the hairstyle of my heroes - Toshiro Mifune in every Samurai movie, Goran Ivanisavic at one point in his career. But that’s not the whole truth. The truth is - I think that long hair is fun, in a way - I feel - that men either don’t usually think or are encouraged not to think. More than anything, I enjoy what this reveals to me about my gender identity - that it’s robust and elastic - allowing me to exist as in the masculine but still enjoy the feminine. As a man who lives in a home where women outnumber the men and as a man who wouldn’t have it any other way - this really feels for me like an appropriate expression of self.
I recommend a post by another lovely Substacker I follow, about her own journey with hair:
“Farmer Chic”
That’s how my chef friend Pratap once described his personal style.
I laughed a lot - at his face - but I also knew that it was true. The man had a rustic, gentry-type look going that he owned, at least back in 2017 (I think he may have moved on since). I didn’t forget the conviction with which he said it. He probably had a lot of people responding in similar ways as I did when he shared his look’s name.
I really like what fashion icon Iris Apfel says about style, differentiating it from fashion. It makes a statement about courage that rings true.
"Being stylish and being fashionable are two entirely different things. You can easily buy your way into being fashionable. Style, I think, is in your DNA. It implies originality and courage. The worst that can happen is you can fail, and you don't die from that."
She’s saying that it takes courage to to declare who you are. It takes some finding. Remember Don Cheadle’s character in Boogie Nights who was always confused about his look? In the movie, he eventually found his way, but it not before floundering for most of the film. The worst that can happen is you can fail, and you don't die from that.
Skip ahead to 00:49 in the video below.
Ryder Carrol, founder of the Bullet Journal Method, says that when you say yes to something, you are also saying no to something else. This statement, to me, galvanises the moment of choosing - whether big or small. Any choice we make may be less or more true to who we are. How close we land to the bulls-eye that denotes ‘us’, I surmise, affects how we feel from moment to moment.
I once wore a shirt I didn’t like at someone else’s insistence, and it ruined my evening. Perhaps it was an over-reaction. God knows what kaleidoscope of intersecting feelings it landed me in that evening, but I realised then that stylistic decisions were important to me even if I didn’t admit to it.
I know from practicing Yoga that the stimulus from a posture can generate a desired state of emotion - for example: asanas that expand your chest do make you feel brave. So perhaps it’s not too far-flung to think that wearing clothes that are true to one’s style, perhaps, make one feel closer to themselves?
I feel best in durable, comfortable clothes or minimalist aesthetic that ideally display no branding. Muji is a brand I really admire for this.
I recently discovered that I also explore my identity as an Indian through what I wear. Even though my day to day clothes could be described as ‘western’, I’m drawn to design that have some inflection of the Indian aesthetic. My friend Mani’s label SON OF A NOBLE really lands with this. Also - I recently discovered that someone has been refurbishing good old Hindustan Machine Tools (HMT) watches and giving them a contemporary appeal. Very Indian. Very modern.
Love.
It’s in the city of Mumbai where I slowly discovered my style. Mumbai is such an open, accepting place that not a day goes by that I’m not grateful for this.
I remember - it was October 2001 when I left India for further studies in the UK. The twin towers had just fallen less than a month ago, and my grandfather talked me into cutting my long hair, lest I be mistaken for a terrorist.
Thinking about this in the context of this newsletter, I’m driven to think that one definite form of violence is forcing someone to be a person they are not.
As a corollary - could the meaning of peace be the permission for everyone to be simply be themselves?
PS
Tell me about your personal style. What makes you feel good when you wear it? What doesn’t? Why?
Tell me. I’d like to know!
PPS
Do you know what this is?
It’s a box full of old photos, transparency slides and DV tapes being sent to a scanning service.
Need I say more? 🕵️♂️
See you next week!
V
What a super post. Bravo!
The moon watch is one of my favorites too. May have to develop a sense of style after reading this...
Thanks Sid. And thanks so much for reading. So happy you enjoy the posts.