Yet Untitled 036 - O Body, My Body
Notes on a difficult relationship, and the benefits therein
Howdy dear Yet Untitler!
Firstly - Hola! to the old faithfuls among you! It means a lot. Here’s a hug!
Today I heard one of your names - you who were among the first to sign up for this weekly communion. We have never met, you and I, for it was while Corona was still frightening the innards out of us. But you are still here…and that…is amazing! I’d love to hear more from you (and all others like you who came early to the party). In a world where it’s simple to hit ‘unsubscribe’, why have you stayed? Tell me! Even if it’s “not to disappoint your ass, V” 😂
And for this of you who actually read 😁 (you know who you are) - What hit home? What missed the mark? A best of list? Tell me! I want to know!
And do try leaving a comment by clicking the button above rather than replying to this email. It builds community, the best form of immunity (sorry, couldn’t resist!)
This week, diehard walker and fellow newsletter writer Craig Mod wrote about the effect of long walks on his body. Such a beautiful piece of writing! I feel no shame in imitating a master, so I too shall write about the body this time.
Touchy subject, as you will see.
But, as always, let’s see where we land.
Sigh…The body.
It was all fine till I was 7.
Then, after a summer of cheeseburgers in Germany in 1987, others suddenly had things to say about my body. I think this led to a separation in my head between “me” and it - with me suddenly seeing my body as something that could get out of hand. This was a new perception that I don’t think existed before.
All this exploded in boarding school. There, my body was deemed sub-standard in a campus full of strength, co-ordination, endurance and, even, beauty. It wasn’t masculine enough in a hotbed of emerging masculinity. It ended up feeling at odds with its environment.
When my body needed three months of bed-rest in 1998 because of a slipped spinal disc, I saw it as a disappointment. Even thought it healed astoundingly fast and well, I resented my body with for not keeping up.
By the time I got to college, my body was figuring out new ways to derail my teens, this time in the form of serious (I mean SERIOUS) acne. I was already looking for other ways to compensate for what I thought were my body’s shortcomings. In a way, this was good - I had no choice but to develop my mind instead and joined the debating society, picking up a few skills! But I was already in an escalating war with one part of myself that would test me over the years.
The lament stops here.
Clearly, I’ve had a difficult relationship with my body.
In my memory, it plays out like a dialogue. At times I have pushed my body, at times it has pushed back. I have loathed it, and that didn’t lead to anything good. So, I have also tried to understand it and work with it.
This led to a lot of reflection. I learned a lot and I want to share some of these things. The lament stops here and becomes a celebration, for, had it not been for my difficult relationship with my body…
1. …I may have never become a runner
At school, I was taken to the infirmary during my first cross-country run, because I had crumbled into a wheezing mess. Running should have been my worst nightmare. But it isn’t. Instead, it’s my saving grace, a treasure of my life.
Where do I begin? It took me fifteen years to teach myself how to run without losing my breath or getting injured. I did it painstakingly, educating myself article after article on runnersworld.com, reading that one GQ article on runner’s gait that changed everything (sadly not online anymore), reading Murakami’s amazing book, also the fantastic Born To Run. If ever there has to be a testament to education being transformational, this is it!
When I ran my first 10k (it was in Chennai) it felt as if I had changed my life. And I had. In order to accomplish this, my body changed; but only after my spirit did. I had employed various means to change myself beyond limits that had previously felt insurmountable - including getting outside my own head by communing with an imaginary friend - a tireless runner called Ktulu ! When I crossed the finish line, it felt nothing short of glorious. If I could have reached through a fissure in time and held the hand of the wheezing Vasant who had collapsed in school on the cross country run, I would have definitely done so and told him not to lose faith in his animal form so easily.
I would have also told him: “illegitimi non carborundum”.
For more on Ktulu, my imaginary running friend, see:
I want to take a moment to thank all the inspiring runners I have met along the way who pulled me along. Giles the Bandra runner for one, who told me his wonderful story of transformation. And Sandeep (Fatty) Sachdev who got behind me to help me run my longest distance yet of 16.7 kms in 2019, just before the lockdown.
2. …I may have never discovered Yoga
When I heard BKS Iyengar give an interview on his 90th Birthday, where he exuded he energy and vibe of a 20 year old, I was really drawn towards him. BKS himself very famously had a lot of problems with his own body, but that fact itself precipitated his journey and paired him with his guru.
On looking back, it feels right to say that Yoga came to me because my back problems would not go away. But on reflecting a bit, I think I came to Yoga looking for something beyond the physical culture offered to me in school and college.
Today - in Yoga class - when I twist my torso and understand he connection between the twist, my breath, my legs and know how to imaginatively use the position of my kidneys to tell me where to turn from, I really thank BKS (and my karma) to have led me here. I fell like I had been practicing Yoga for lifetimes. On some days, it is sheer joy - this indescribable combination between intense effort and complete relaxation, only experienced in a moment of balance that you could lose if the weight of one hair ends up wrongly placed.
A good yoga posture stops time and gives you everything you need in the infinite moment it has afforded you.
And, to bring it back -
No difficult body relationship = no Yoga for V
3. …I may have never written about sport.
I am very curious about how it feels when body is an ally. I have thought a lot about what it means to function at another level of physicality as much as about functioning at other levels of mental capacity. Following from this, my fascination for the testimonials of those experiencing competitive sport at the highest level has led me to some fantastic stories that I’ve tried to translate for film.
From looking closely at the lives of elite sportspeople - I gather that they have their limits just as we everyday humdrums do. They play the same game of negotiating limits as us - perhaps that’s why I find their stories so relatable. They get interesting because the stakes can get high. Very high. Their victories are grander - even legendary - as are their defeats. This makes for great drama i.e. great movies!
I get all emo when I see someone winning an olympic medal. A friend and I ran a crowdfunding campaign a few years ago to help an athlete train for an international competition. And the stuff that I write about sports and sportspeople is VERY close to my heart.
All in all - an enriching obsession!
A last list
I conclude that relationships with the ones close to us are invariably difficult.
Who can be closer to us than our own bodies?
That said, we can all get by with a tad of gratitude. Here are a few more things I’m grateful to my body for:
The fact that it’s very sensitive to caffeine , alcohol, smoke - that it’s so geared for moderation.
That it likes to get up early. I feel it gifts me a few extra hours a day for everything
That it has a decent head of hair!
That it can learn and adapt to new conditions rapidly.
That it has quick reflexes, good hand-eye coordination and a pretty good aim (dunno where sniper skills will come in handy. Perhaps if we face a zombie apocalypse).
That it’s flexible. Allowing for great yoga and a party trick or two:
I’ll end here, leaving you in body-horror shock!
PS
My wife Vani is simply fantastic at making healthy food that’s tasty and satisfying. I don’t think this edition will be complete without a nod to her and the amazing food that has nourished and sustained my body over our 12 years together.
Lots of love and see you next week!
V
Is your body your friend or adversary? What does it do when it’s either?
Tell me. I want to know!
Love this writing on your body journey.Thanks for sharing. Especially so wonderful to hear your thoughts on yoga and of course see Vani's delicious smoothie bowl :) With your permission I will at some point definitely like to quote your words on yoga "A good yoga posture stops time and gives you everything you need in the infinite moment it has afforded you." lovely description.
Brings back beautiful memories. I though I would never run a half marathon